I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
