you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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