my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize