as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
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If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
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I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
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