I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
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