I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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