Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Holy shit dude........stairs
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