Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
