I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
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