You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
