Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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