I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I got inside last night via doggy door
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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