Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
