True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
