whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
