a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Randomize
