I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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