i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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