chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
