Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
