Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
