careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
