I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
