I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Mom said you looked used
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
