Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
