Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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