I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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