I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
please come you make the beer taste better
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
He shit in the fireplace
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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