I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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