I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
