i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
