I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
My vagina is very pro this idea
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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