He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
