on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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