What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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