You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
