I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Randomize
