I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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