Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
