Michael Bay diarrhea
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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