The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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