my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Randomize
