This is not my ceiling
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.