I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Randomize
