My room smells like vodka and shame
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible