Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
