Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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