someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
