hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
