just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
