Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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