I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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