dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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