happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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