Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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