I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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