Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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