thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
