I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
You are the jesus of drinking
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
