I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
